Who is the abuser? How Ancient Wisdom Can Help Us Identify an Abusive Person
There is a question that keeps popping into my mind after walking with people in some very abusive situations. Before I state it however, I need to define the problem. While I stated these situations are abusive, and that certainly is a problem, the deeper problem is deception. All abuse at some level involves deception. Whether it is kept secret behind the closed doors of a family home or apartment, or behind the walls of leadership of an organization or church. Deception is the key concept. It unfortunately gets even messier. What about when selfish parents say selfish and deceptive things about the other parent and the child(ren) also begin to treat the targeted parent in harsh terms. When you walk into these situations you often get lost in a “they said they said” situation which doesn’t really help resolve things. Now the question begins to emerge. “How can you spot an abuser when they have such a highly developed skill in deception?” In the physical realm, 80% of reported abuse is male on female. That means 1 in five physical abuse situations are female on male. But what about emotional and social abuse? Are women capable of bending social context and painting their partner as abusive to their social circle; which could include a church? How does a modern church deal with this?
In the extremes a church might dismiss all claims of abuse as dramatic and oversensitive. But another church might take every claim at face value, which many abuse advocates want. The problem is it is very messy. Abuse victims may be so dysregulated they seem crazy and abusive. Abusers are amazing social engineers and cultivate very safe public faces. So how can you or your church sort through this?
While experts in abuse tell us the hallmarks of abuse are entitlement, coercive control, and a lack of repair, these are still hard to spot through deception. What do scriptures say? I feel some of you out there just cringed or felt a trigger from someone who tried to “help” you with scripture and threw “truth” at you. This could have ranged from mild awkwardness to full spiritual abuse and I am so sorry you experienced that. My approach is different.
I (and others) view scripture as a repository of divinely inspired wisdom that we are meant to wrestle with together on topics Germaine to modern living, and abuse is a huge issue for the modern church, even though most can’t see it. The ancient way to engage with tough subjects is to wrestle together in a loving relationship that keeps our sacred natures intact. So please read these words knowing I am giving you simply my side to grapple with. With digital comments in today’s world, this refreshingly allows us to grapple even when we are not face to face. But please let’s do this in love for each other and the wider community who may be watching. Seek in the comments to 1) Embody Secure attachment and 2) Balance structure and nurture. This means, these are words and concepts, if you are reacting from a center of fear, that is not secure attachment. And try to also make your point (structure) with respect to my humanity (nurture).
I have now picked up on three very profound moments in scripture that span both the Old and New Testaments. Let’s start with the first and most obvious one that many Christians may already know about. As I unpack this, let’s watch for the connections between abuse and deception, and what the authors of the Bible are suggesting we do about it.
Scenario #1: Jesus Restores Peter: John 21:15-17 (NLT)
15 After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.”
“Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him.
16 Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
“Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.”
“Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said.
17 A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.
Peter denied three times that he knew Jesus. Jesus warned him that this would happen. Within the full context of the spiritual battle, Peter on the one hand heard from God the truth about Jesus (Matt 16:16-17), but in a dramatic reversal, only five verses later, was rebuked by Jesus as speaking lies from Satan (Matthew 16:23). Here we see the spiritual battle that humanity deals with. Peter heard from God and spoke his knowledge and also heard from Satan and spoke his lies. Satan’s message to Jesus? “You don’t need to do this.” And that flesh fueling deception came through Peter, forcing Jesus to rebuke it. He resisted the devil and expelled him from the moment. It just so happened Satan in that moment was speaking (abusively) through Peter. There are other lies “spoken” through abuse. “You desrve it.” “You are nothing.” You are a bad wife or husband.” These lies are lived out in moments of abuse. Victims are so overwhelmed that they very often receive and internalize these lies. Not realizing the true source of them: Satan.
So now we look at the scripture above. We see Jesus ask Peter three times if he loved Him. At the surface level, we easily see Jesus allowing Peter to reaffirm his love and loyalty after losing the battle with the flesh and Satan three times. A key issue for our abuse discussion is Matthew noted Peter’s remorse. We can take this as a deep and authentic realization that he failed and knew he needed to do better. He failed a standard set by Christ, outside of himself. The benchmark for “good” came from God, not Peter’s flesh.
There is more to uncover here. A key skill in pulling deeply on threads of scripture is figuring out if there is a pattern. Has the three affirmations happened before? The technical term is narrative analogy. But I like the term BibleProject uses: hyperlink. Would the contemporary Jew to Jesus’ time pick up on a deeper meaning seeing Peter reaffirm Christ three times? I believe the answer is “yes.” But we need to see Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane first and then we go all the way back to Job to see the pattern.
Scenario #2: Jesus Prays three times in the Garden of Gethsemane.
In Matthew 26, in the narrative where Jesus prays to God about the upcoming crucifixion, but ends with ‘But Your will be done,” we begin to see something profound taking shape. We see three affirmations or three statements of submission spoken to God paired with moments of great temptation. We can speculate that these three affirmations Jesus made close the book on Satan’s temptations in the wilderness, but a more plain and less nuanced point can be made. Jesus submits His will to God three times. Peter submits to Jesus three times as well. In Peter’s case we see his last three actions were in a moment of fleshly weakness where he spoke/acted out of inspiration from Satan. Would it surprise you to see this in action in the Old Testament or Hebrew Bible?
Scenario #3: Job Affirms his love for God’s wisdom: (Job 42)
42 Job answered Adonai [God] and said:
“I know You can do all things; no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
You ask, ‘Who is this, who darkens counsel without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke without understanding, things too wonderful for me which I did not know.
You said, ‘Hear now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you will inform Me.’
I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
but now my eye has seen You.
Therefore I despise myself, and repent on dust and ashes.”
With a little interpretive help from the amazing trauma science and scripture book “Comfort in the Ashes” by Michelle K. Keener, we can peer into the deep Hebrew and spot the pattern we are working on. Job does something three times. He states his ignorance three times. (Underlined above) He follows this with a clear affirmation that “but now my eye has seen you.” and “[I] repent.”
Connecting the Scenarios:
In each of these scenarios, we see the number three tied to a form of submission and affirmation to God and not Satan. I love the addition of Job here: “But now my eye has seen you.” Through the great suffering Job endured, the gift he is speaking to is that he is now in deeper relationship with God. What he heard about God, is replaced with deep seeing. Job in his torment, finds himself in proximity and conversation with God. When we think now of Peter, he undoubtedly feels lost and tormented like Job. In his failure, his flesh and fear-based survival instincts followed Satan. But the risen Jesus sought him out to make a meal for him like a Good Shepherd. Jesus did this before Peter reaffirmed his limited human (steadfast and loyal love) hesed love for Jesus. Jesus is the Good Shepherd, which means he goes to, feeds and leads His lost sheep.
Jesus showed us he prayed to God three times affirming God’s will be done, we see a link to the Lord’s Prayer. The three affirmations became His addendum to it. Prior to prayer, or intentionally spending time with God, doesn’t it make sense to intentionally break with the Father of Lies and affirm your intentional desire to be a sheep led by the Good Shepherd? “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” Jesus within the Lord’s prayer reminds us that we will be battling evil. He is showing us our weapon in the battle is the power of three affirmations.
The affirmations, when viewed in the three scenarios above also show us submission to God. “Submission” in modern language often brings to mind power imbalance in the setting of win-lose or lose-win interactions. There is a deeper Hebrew context found in the word “ana.” While it is translated submission, the concept in Biblical context of Jesus’ story, is best understood as win-win submission. This is the ability to see and desire a win, not only for yourself, but to see AND DESIRE a win in the other. In the pure state of “ana” submission, our sacredness becomes equal with the sacredness of the other. Recall the Greatest Blessings? Love God and others AS yourself. Beautiful right?
Is win-win submission possible or easy for someone with a lot of insecurity? No. It is hard. The heart of insecurity is a fear of trusting others to take care of us. But there is hope. As we practice submission to Jesus (see Application below), our ability and readiness to submit to the sacred nature of others increases; which drives Satan crazy. As we practice, our win-win submission skill naturally expands to a point that it bears fruit. This means we grow further from the enemy and more toward Jesus.
Finally to circle back to our question. How can we identify abusive people? First and foremost we must have data. We must observe them and gather evidence. The best evidence is firsthand observations. Less helpful is what others “say” about them. Remember it is easy to paint a word picture of someone that makes them look abusive. It is done very frequently in social contexts like churches. These word stories, when sorting through abuse, must always be viewed in a “trust but verify” fashion. Many an abusive spouse, when caught, immediately names the sins of the victim in a way to justify their own hurtful behaviors and deflect from blame. These stories sound very convincing but when verified have little to no evidence to support them. But, again, they sound very convincing.
But what are we looking for in the data? We are looking for evidence of authentic win-win ana-style submission. Who in the abusive dynamic shows an authentic ability to see and hear needs in the other? This character trait is exploited by the abuser.
To understand how hard this can be, let’s take the example of marital sex. A husband may desire sex from their wife. That is healthy within marriage. A husband may complain that they are not getting enough sex. To paint the extremes you may come across, and what it takes to sort through abusive dynamics consider this. A husband behind the veil of deception, may demand sex four times a day every day and use scripture to justify it. If a wife is not satisfying this need, the husband can complain that she is not fulfilling her marital vow. A husband with ana-style submission might instead be concerned about her and seek to understand her better.
But a husband who is offered sex once a month and is feeling lost and spiritually attacked during the “dry spell” has a claim for neglect. Even if this husband patiently and kindly advocates for his needs, this wife could easily paint him as controlling and demanding to her friend group. She just conveniently leaves out the fact they only have sex once a month. Remember deception is a twin to abuse. They help one another out, making it very difficult to fully understand the true dynamics and this makes it difficult to know how and who to help. Remember we are to be wise as serpents, knowing the ways of deception and abuse, while being gentle as doves.
People can be very sneaky and deceptive, and they can even use deception to play the victim. They may seem submissive and take your advice; they may even thank you for it. But at the end of the day if they do not embrace the advice and continue destructive patterns, they are showing an inability and/or a refusal to submit in win-win fashion. At the end of the day the person using deception and a lack of submission is the abuser. In some cases you may indeed have two abusers. The more witnesses who can comment on the situation is helpful. But assessing everyone for ana-style submission and their use of deception are foundational.
Application:
In your own walk with God, recognize Satan and evil forces or demons are ever-present. They are constantly attacking us. Some have even penetrated our armor and become squatters. Peter spoke messages from both God and Satan. We are wise to know that we and those around us have the potential to do the same. While we may have been baptized, we need to be open to the concept that we reflect both dark and light until we are fully sanctified. We are imperfect humans in development; it should not shock us that we can hurt others unwittingly. We reflect both the dark and the light.
The wisdom of the wheat and tares stands (Matthew 13:24-30). Churches are filled with healthy Trees of Life and weeds at the same time. We are to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves sorting through the wheat and the weeds. We are to know the ways of Satan so that we can spot them. But we are called to respond with God’s spiritual wisdom, strength, love and courage. To ready ourselves I suggest the simple practice of adding three affirmations in front of the Lord’s Prayer (ESV version below). Remember, when we practice submission to Jesus, we practice the wisdom and strength required to set our own ego’s aside. This then gives others time and space to feel known and safe as they heal. I encourage you to try this practice three times daily, that is how the ancient Israelites prayed. Pay attention to your feelings as you do it. I will write next about what the feelings of resistance mean.
Jesus, I love you, you are my king, I will do your will.
Jesus, I love you, you are my king, I will do your will.
Jesus, I love you, you are my king, I will do your will.
“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.